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Housebroken: A Short Play

March 2, 2011


SMITZ and HUNGRY have upended a kitchen.
Hungry sits on the counter gnawing at a turkey
leg. Smitz is on his back, on his floor. A turkey
carcass is on the floor, away from them.

SMITZ
Drop a piece in my mouth.

HUNGRY
It’s done.

SMITZ
Well, where’s the rest?

HUNGRY
I can see it, but I don’t want to move.

SMITZ
Where is it?

HUNGRY
Your left.

Smitz slides.
Sorry, my left. I can’t think in your left right now.

Smitz slides in the other direction.

SMITZ
Tell me if I’m gonna hit it.

HUNGRY
You’re close.

SMITZ
Just say hot or cold.

HUNGRY
On fire.

Smitz gropes around, finds it with his hand, rips
of a leg.

SMITZ
This is so visceral!

HUNGRY
I know!

Hungry crunches into the bones of his piece and
begins to suck the marrow out.

SMITZ
I do believe she will be royally peeved at us.

HUNGRY
She can’t get mad at me.

SMITZ
That’s right. I’m gonna blame it all on you then.

HUNGRY
That seems appropriate. Toss me something new, this is spent.

SMITZ
What is this seasoning? It’s like rosemary, andÑ

HUNGRY
Toss.

SMITZ
Hold on. And lemon.

HUNGRY
I’m hungry.

SMITZ
So get off there and get it.

HUNGRY
No.

SMITZ
Yes.

HUNGRY
I guided you.

SMITZ
I’m busy.
It’s like she injected it with butter.
With like a butter needle.

Hungry barks like a dog.

SMITZ
Shut up, shut up. Fine, here.

He rips off a piece and tosses it to Hungry who
catches it. Maybe just with his mouth.

HUNGRY
I think we make a good team.

SMITZ
You can’t bark your way outta everything.

HUNGRY
Don’t reward my bad behavior.

SMITZ
Bad dog! Bad dog!

HUNGRY
Stop it.

SMITZ
Bring it! And bring whatever else you’ve got! Ruff! Ruff!

A door slams. SHEILA enters. Smitz drops his
turkey.

SHEILA
Oh fuck hell. What did you do?!

SMITZ
He did it.

SHEILA
Are you blaming the dog?

SMITZ
I just found it like this.

SHEILA
I just saw you drop that leg.

SMITZ
Bad dog!

SHEILA
Stop it. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Smitz tries to right himself.

SMITZ
You gonna help me?

SHEILA
Well Thanksgiving is ruined.

SMITZ
No. No.

SHEILA
The Cardwells are gonna be here any minute.

SMITZ
I’ll entertain them in the other room.

SHEILA
Hungie, you should be ashamed, encouraging him like that.

Hungry vomits on himself.

SMITZ
We may have eaten chocolate.

SHEILA
Are you out of your fucking mind?!

SMITZ
Maybe.

He farts.
That was the dog.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY.

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